Indulgence
by patientalien
Summary: Anakin knows what he wants for his birthday.


Indulgence

For citizenjess' 24th birthday

Notes: Based very heavily off some concepts from our Livejournal-based RPG.

--

Jedi, as a general rule, did not celebrate birthdays. Although the days were acknowledged in a passing way, the Order as a whole did not go out of its way to celebrate the day any of its members were born.

There were two exceptions.

On a Padawan's thirteenth birthday, they were presented a gift by their Master. Usually something small and useful, to mark their officially becoming an apprentice. It was done without a great deal of fanfare or ritual, though it was considered an important day for both teacher and student.

Every Padawan looked forward to their thirteenth birthday - to truly being considered an apprentice to their Master. Every apprentice, however, looked forward to an entirely different birthday.

An apprentice's seventeenth birthday carried with it something no apprentice had ever experienced, or would ever experience again as a Jedi.

The Indulgence Ritual.

Meant to strengthen the bond between Master and Padawan, the Indulgence Ritual was designed to allow the Padawan one day to ask for anything of their Master. Most used the opportunity to request time away from the Temple for the day, for access to restricted files in the Archives, or otherwise somewhat-wholesome, Jedi-like activities that they were not previously allowed to participate in, nor would again until Knighted.

Anakin Skywalker wasn't interested in any of that.

He already left the Temple on a regular basis - both with and without his Master's permission. And he had no interest in anything in the Archives except, perhaps, for the Masters Only section. But even then, he could have gotten in there on his own if he'd really wanted to.

No, Anakin wanted something else entirely. Something he'd never be able to get on a normal day. Something his Master would normally balk at, and perhaps ground him for even bringing up.

"Master..." He broached the subject at breakfast the day before his seventeenth birthday. He'd found it was generally best to ask Obi-Wan for things before the older man had fully woken up yet. That way, if the request was particularly disagreeable, his Master could only argue with half-strength. "Master, you know my birthday is tomorrow."

"Oh?" Obi-Wan replied, raising an eyebrow.

Anakin let out a frustrated puff of air and rolled his eyes. He hated when Obi-Wan pretended not to have any idea what he was talking about. "Yes, Master," he said, breaking the crusts off his toast. "Tomorrow is my seventeenth birthday, and I know what I want for my Indulgence." He'd been thinking about it carefully for quite some time, in fact.

Obi-Wan sighed. "Let me guess," he said, "you want to spend the evening with Siri and Garen at the Outlander and not get a lecture about it."

Anakin screwed up his face. First of all, he did that anyway. Sure, he always expected a lecture, but it wasn't as though Obi-Wan ever kept him from going anywhere with other Masters. Second of all, his Master's tone was not what he'd expected this particular morning. "No, Master," he informed Obi-Wan, trying to swallow his frustration. "I want something only you can give me."

Obi-Wan raised an eyebrow again. "Oh?"

Anakin took a deep breath, unsure he wanted to continue his request in light of Obi-Wan's attitude. He wondered if waiting until after his Master had his morning tea might be in order, but then decided that now was the time if he was going to do it at all. It wasn't in his nature to wait, anyway. "Yes, Master. I know what I want." At Obi-Wan's prompting look, Anakin took a deep breath. "I want to have sex with you."

Obi-Wan's mug of tea clattered to the floor.

Anakin swallowed heavily. "Master..."

Obi-Wan stared for a long moment, obviously dumbfounded by Anakin's request, though Anakin wasn't entirely sure why. It wasn't as though he'd ever been subtle about his attraction to his Master - Obi-Wan really should have seen this one coming, great Jedi Master that he was and all. "Anakin..." Obi-Wan finally regained his voice. "That is highly inappropriate and I'll thank you not to bring it up again."

Anakin blinked. His Master sounded perfectly calm and collected, but he could see the strain behind Obi-Wan's eyes. "But Master, I thought I was allowed to request whatever I wished."

Obi-Wan stared straight ahead. "You are allowed to request whatever you wish, but I don't have to grant it." His gaze fell onto Anakin. "Anakin. Surely you know why I can't grant you your request." Though his tone was softer now, Anakin could still hear the edge in Obi-Wan's voice. The I dare you to argue with me that ended up in so many arguments.

"Attachments and all that," Anakin replied, feeling his spirits dropping. He should have known Obi-Wan would say no. His Master was the consummate Jedi, was so perfect that it hurt sometimes. Of course he wouldn't break the Code because his troublemaking, imperfect Padawan requested it of him.

Obi-Wan nodded. "Among other reasons," he said, rising from the table to clean up the spilled tea. "If you come up with a more suitable request, I'll honor it, but Anakin..."

Anakin clenched his fists and bowed his head, feeling bitter tears spring to his eyes. Of course Obi-Wan would reject him - he should have just expected it, after all these years. "That's all I wanted, Master," he said, truthfully.

"Ah," was Obi-Wan's only response.

--

Anakin knew that he should just get over his hurt. That he should release his frustration into the Force and accept that asking his Master for sex probably hadn't been the best idea he'd ever had.

But he just couldn't. It wasn't that Obi-Wan had said no, really, it was just... Well, it felt like one more bit of proof that Obi-Wan didn't think of him as anything special, as anything worth perhaps bending the rules for. That hurt more than Anakin had expected. He went through the rest of his day in an angry daze, unsure of even why he was so upset. It wasn't unreasonable for Obi-Wan to have denied him, but Anakin couldn't help feel like his Master could have at least done it in such a way that didn't make him feel so... stupid.

It wasn't really like Obi-Wan, Anakin reflected, sullenly picking at his midday meal, to be so dismissive. At least... he wanted to think it wasn't like Obi-Wan. His Master cared about him, didn't he?

Just not enough to grant him his Indulgence Day request, apparently.

He managed to avoid Obi-Wan for the entire rest of the day, even taking his dinner in his room on the pretense of working on a report for Galactic Lit. He couldn't face his Master feeling so full of doubt. For his part, Obi-Wan didn't press the matter which just made Anakin feel even worse.

He didn't feel much better about things when he woke up the next morning, either. He dreaded going out to the kitchen to face Obi-Wan, to act like he wasn't bothered by the fact Obi-Wan wasn't... interested. He let out a sharp breath as he stood in the doorway of his bedroom. Was he so shallow that his entire self-worth was caught up in whether or not someone wanted to have sex with him?

Not very Jedi-like, Skywalker, he admonished himself, and sighed.

Obi-Wan looked up from his tea at Anakin's entrance, and gestured to the stack of pancakes precariously heaped on a plate at Anakin's usual place. "Happy birthday, Padawan," Obi-Wan said jovially, as if their conversation of the previous morning had not taken place.

Anakin frowned slightly, but he had to admit - the pancakes smelled good. "Thank you, Master," he said, settling into his chair, making a point not to look directly at the older man.

"Anakin, you do understand the point of the Indulgence Ritual, right?" Obi-Wan said suddenly, and Anakin's head snapped up. Great. A lecture. On his birthday. That was just like what he'd actually requested.

"To strengthen the bond between Master and Padawan," he recited blandly. "That's why I thought..."

"To strengthen the trust between Master and Padawan," Obi-Wan corrected sharply.

Anakin didn't quite know what Obi-Wan was getting at. He had assumed they trusted each other, and he had thought Obi-Wan had felt the same way. "I trust you, Master," he said firmly.

Obi-Wan looked at him thoughtfully for a long moment. "I know," he said softly. "And that's why I cannot... have sex... with you."

It wasn't exactly the reasoning Anakin had been expecting. "Why not, Master?" he asked.

Obi-Wan took a deep breath and Anakin felt something inside of him clench and twist. "Because that kind of relationship can quickly damage trust," he explained carefully. "If we were to be... physical... it would lead to a great many complications. I don't want to damage what we have, Anakin."

Anakin blinked at him incredulously. Did Obi-Wan really think that one sexual encounter was going to irrevocably damage their relationship? "Even if we just did it once?" he ventured.

His Master seemed to consider it. "Yes," he replied. "Because..." Obi-Wan trailed off, and Anakin resisted the urge to prompt him to continue. "Because," his Master continued "I already have an attachment to you, and I fear this would only make it even... worse."

Worse? Anakin bristled. Obi-Wan was talking as though being attached to one's apprentice was a bad thing! "I thought..."

"Anakin, please." Obi-Wan held up a hand. "Just... I am... I'm saying no because I don't want to lose your trust. I don't want to feel as though I'm taking advantage."

Anakin shook his head desperately - so Obi-Wan did want to! "You wouldn't be," he said quickly. "You... I... I want to..."

"No, Anakin," Obi-Wan said, shaking his own head. "Please. Don't. I love you, but I cannot do this."

It was something in Obi-Wan's tone that stalled Anakin's argument. Something... sincere, and slightly desperate. A yearning that Anakin had never heard from his Master before. "Master, I..." He looked down at his pancakes and swallowed heavily. "I love you, too, Master. I just... I thought... we could... I don't know."

Obi-Wan rose from his seat and knelt down in front of Anakin. He grasped the young man by the shoulders and squeezed gently. "Happy birthday, Anakin," he said, pressing a chaste kiss to Anakin's lips, and it felt as though a weight had been lifted. Obi-Wan truly loved him. In that instant, Anakin realized that he had never wanted the sex at all - he had just wanted... this.

Love.

Anakin smiled.

"Thank you, Master."


End file.
